Dealing with Defiant/Rebellious Teenager? Your Teenager Child Addicted to Computer Games?

At Axcel Campus, we strive to be “A School of Character”. In this journey, we believe a positive three way partnership between our teenage students, parents and our teachers will create a robust learning environment that enhances academic attainment and develop our students’ social and relationship skills that will last throughout their lives.

In line with the above aspiration, on Sunday, 13 November 2016, many parents attended a talk on ‘Parenting Teenagers of Today” at Axcel Campus. Mr. Ko Teik Yen, a Clinical Hypnotherapist and Clinical Psychotherapist shared insights on how we could flex our parenting approach to better nurture our child, as they transform from a teenager to an emotionally healthy young adult.

As a psychotherapist, Mr. Ko counsels teenagers and adults of myriad behaviours. One example was a girl who had been a consistent top scorer in school, obediently do what is expected. Never once did she rebel. At the age of 23, she contemplated to cut her wrist. Apparently, she had stopped growing emotionally at the age of 14 as she was no longer able to continue to “live up” to the perceived expectation of parents, teachers and friends. She had suppressed all emotions since then. Surprisingly, her younger sister was a rebellious child that perpetually gave headaches to her parents. She turned out to be happy like many young woman in her early 20s. Whilst this may be an extreme case, each of us do have our fair share of seemingly obedient and/or notoriously rebellious child. Could we also be ignorant of the symptoms and be making the same mistakes that may one day shock us?

Mr. Ko highlighted parenting teenagers today is increasingly challenging compared to our parents’ days. He provided insights as to how we can re-energise these before we lose it.

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Being in their teens, our child is seeking to find their identity and what’s their worth to society. They need to be given the space and avenue to explore within safe boundaries to find the desired path early in life. As parents, we can equip them with skill-sets to better regulate their emotions in order to deal with achievements, setbacks and express anger constructively. Amongst the many tips shared by Mr. Ko:

1. Be a happy adult ourselves. Find back our dreams, our passion. Re-learn to love ourselves. Find avenues to rejuvenate – go on a retreat, consider mindfulness technique.
2. Be aware when to adjust our parenting role. The diagram on “Situational Approach to Parenting Leadership” illustrates when we should be a Commander, a Coach, a Counselor or a Consultant to our child.
3. Connect to our child. Consistently depositing into their Emotional Bank Account – create opportunities to understand them through play and at family dinner conversations, attend to the little things, keep our promises to them, clarify expectations, show personal integrity and most importantly, apologise sincerely when we make a “withdrawal”.
4. Be a calm and firm parent with our voice and choice of words. Put our impulse at check to allow them to speak before we jump into conclusion out of our own fear. Keep an open mind. Trust them that they know what is right from wrong. Solicit sharing by using words such as “I notice…”, “I feel…”, “I want to be…”.
5. Establish the need to be responsible. Guide them to understand the consequences of action and inaction. Avoid nagging by giving directions. Describe the behaviour you want to see.

For sure the above tips are not a one-size fits all solution. It requires constant tailoring on both parent and child to carve out what works and what does not. It is with the believe that by practising the above, we are able to provide our child with a safe, encouraging and guiding environment to learn to say “No” with assertiveness, diplomacy and respect to parents, friends and society. Able to say “No” is already half the battle won in  minimising the possibility of an unattended suppressed emotion. Therefore, choose our battles wisely to ensure we do not lose the war. 

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Diagram : Situational Approach to Parenting Leadership

Source : Parenting 2.0 – Empowering Moms and Dads in Raising Respectful, Responsible, Resilient and Resourceful Children

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Mr. Ko is a practicing Clinical Hypnotherapist and Clinical Psychotherapist who treats patient with chronic pain, trauma healing, post-traumatic stress disorder and depression. As the Principal for Academy of Asian Parenting, he developed a parenting training programme to aid modern parents on effective ways to connect with children. His life’s work, passion and insights can be further explored in his book –  “Parenting 2.0 – Empowering Moms and Dads in Raising Respectful, Responsible, Resilient and Resourceful Children”. Interested parents may also connect to him via Facebook (https://www.facebook.com/parenting2dot0/).